C I P R I A N I

This started in the summer with the entry “Genesis”.  And so, once again, I find myself at the beginning of the year contemplating some of the same questions, adding a few more, and maybe even possessing a few answers.  And that’s probably not a bad place to be at the end of a year / the beginning of a new one.

There’s a clash of melancholy and optimism this time of year.  As I take down the Christmas tree and embark on 2012, I’m filled with almost equal parts memories of things past and plans for the future.  I suspect we all do this in some fashion.  What is it that they say?  Try to keep Christmas in your heart all year long and every day will seem like Christmas?

I actally think it’s nice that it just comes once a year.  Christmas all the time would get quite stale.  

As far as New Year’s, I must admit that as I’ve gotten older, the idea of a clean slate and starting over and making bold plans has slowly been complemented with the sheer pleasure of simply continuing.

Over the course of my life I’ve had (albeit at times broad strokes) clear plans for my future.  This habit began as early as grade school as I anticipated what lay ahead, designing expectations for the future.  And while at times, it was similar to these blueprints, rarely was the future an exact replica of what I had created in my mind.  

This contrast of visions not only increased but became starker as I got older.  While some components matched, a large degree of what was scheduled rarely arrived on time and in some cases hadn’t even left (or perhaps left without me).  And I’m still not certain if “it” is even there to begin with.

The real future, the one that actualy did arrive according to schedule, was far more detailed than the fictional alternate reality that I imagined.  The future which became my present actually made for perhaps a stronger narrative, a more compelling journey, and (though as it’s hero I may often object to the complications) a better life.

Now, this is a big year, 2012.  Some folks think the whole shit house is going to go up in flames. Of course, there’s always a contingency that believes that we’re seconds away from the end times.  Others, on the other hand, think this is the year that it’s all going to finally come together.

They’re going to finally fall in love…

Make it big…

Strike it rich…

For those with dreams of success in the future, I say with all sincerity:  Good luck, and Godspeed.

To those hoping that the world’s going to end?  I got nothin’ for you.

However, to those fearing the world’s end, I say this:

While I don’t believe hope for the future is necessarily a fool’s errand, the dividends from hoping or fearing about the future, while in the present, are about the same.  I do believe framing things positively makes for a more productive way to go about things, but one is still dealing with the future whether she hopes or fears and so in essence is dealing with something that doesn’t quite exist yet.

We build the future ourselves.  We like to imagine it as this concrete thing already alive, waiting for us at the end of some rainbow (or the end of the world) – but we build it ourselves, one moment at a time.  

The future doesn’t really ever have the luxury of actually existing, because the moment it does, it becomes the present and then ever so quickly it becomes the past.

So while you’re in the present, whether your designs for the future are filled with hope for the grandest of things or fears of the most devastating tragedy, it doesn’t change the fact that you have no idea what the future actually holds.  Hope for the best, fear for the worst, either way it’s energy spent that could be better used building the present.

Tomorrow, you could win the lottery and fall in love.  Or you could die. 

But, if you’re lucky enough to wake up tomorrow morning.  No matter your hopes or fears for the future, isn’t that simple fact that you’re alive one more day, to continue, enough to celebrate as if it were New Year’s Eve?

Happy New Year.

Godspeed.